Unemployed

I left behind a well-paying, professional job with great perks and benefits last week.

I quit by choice, abruptly, an animalistic act of self-preservation sparked by a continual state of fright, fight or flight I could not turn off.

I was overwhelmed by the amount of stress and work that hung over me, and there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I can't really say whether that's how it always had been there. All I know is that that amount of stress was not something my body could sustain. My health was suffering. We all know that regular exercise relieves stress and depression. But I couldn't find the time or energy to exercise regularly because I was working and traveling so much, thus perpetuating the problem.

I've run through What Went Wrong over and over again in my head. Basically, the job just wasn't what I expected, and in the end, I decided I couldn't adapt to what it really was before I ended up in the hospital. I was surprised and discouraged at how much is done on the fly there, like a huge project that is plopped in your inbox at 4:59 p.m. on a Friday. And that's How Things Are. I then concluded that no one ever really gets ahead of the workload there, one only gets used to it. And I didn't think I could before something terrible happened to me.

I did like some parts of the job; namely, the networking, installing, software testing and tinkering. But most of the rest of it just didn't fit well with me, and the amount of that was more than I could take. Part of my job was giving presentations, something I am not good at. There were times when I felt like I could, over time, get used to doing them and perhaps even become proficient at them. But a horrific experience in which nothing went right, alone, in front of a customer, completely rattled my confidence, and I had little time after that to regroup before I was thrust into a similar but more stressful situation.

Other things happened during my travels that were not the fault of the company for which I worked, such as lost luggage and missed/canceled flights, that further added to my stress. The travel woes happened to me with such frequency that I'd gained a rep in the office as the one with the bad travel karma, and co-workers joked they were afraid to travel with me for fear of being stranded somewhere overnight. I also got into a very minor fender-bender leaving work one day. Those outside, out-of-anyone's-control stressors were a small contributor to my ill-fated ending, to be sure, but they happened often enough that I truly began to wonder, "Is someone trying to tell me something? Is this a message?"

In the end, I regret leaving the way I did. But I don't regret leaving. I'd made up my mind I was going to, but I didn't know when.

I'm just trying not to think of myself as a failure. I've heard many kind words from supportive friends who shared similar stories of how they left a decent job after a short time, and I am so thankful for their empathy. I'm also extremely grateful for my loving boyfriend, who put up with me and my mood swings these past couple of months and supported me in my decision.

As for what's next: I'll find something, whether it be back in publishing or massage therapy. The door is open.

Current mood: Peaceful